The truth about loneliness
Another short essay from one of my depressive episodes back in 2014.
Do you wake up everyday hoping for something special to happen?
You open your eyes. Your pillows and sheet are soaked with sweat and your phone is totally void of new messages. And even though your work email is very busy, you ignore it because you’re trying not to ruin your Sunday.
You plan the entire day. Ah, I might hit the gym. Or should I go to the park? Interesting people might also be at the park. I might bump into one.
And so you choose park. You drink cold water because your lips are dry and your body’s dehydrated. It’s more than 35 degrees Celsius outside but you’d rather burn in heat than freeze in boredom and loneliness. You take a bath, wear your nicest clothes and run out of your room feeling perky and adrenalized. You walk the streets animatedly as if you’re in a Broadway musical. Meanwhile, everyone notices–except you–how stupid you look.
You take the bus. You thank the bus conductor for taking your money and giving you a ticket because, yeah, that’s his job and you’re in the mood to thank everyone for doing what is expected of them. A fatty sits beside you and tries to squeeze in as much of himself as he could into his seat. And your space. Which you paid and thanked for just a minute earlier. You try not to let his curry-like smell bother you and so you just focus on the skyscrapers and museums and other manifestations of capitalism and industrialization outside your window such as the ubiquitous garbage and a congregation of street children begging on the streets.
But you try not to let these things ruin your day. After all, something special will happen to you. At the park. Where you’re willing to spend the entire day and night waiting for that one special thing.
So you sit on one of the benches and wait. Wait for a bird to land on your shoulder and chirp or a dragon to drift across the sky and land on the lawn and breathe flame. But none of these will happen because life is not a Disney movie.
Instead, you notice a cute guy staring at you from across the park lawn. You exchange stares. You smile at each other. And then his boyfriend comes in the frame and they leave.
Once again, you’re pulled down from your expectations to your reality.
You try to preserve your patience. You lounge on the grass field and stare up at the dimming sky. The sun is about to go but still… nothing special. You look around you. Everyone’s in twos and threes. But you. You’re sprawled on the park grounds like a fucking dead frog, looking stupid.
Finally, you take notice.
You pick yourself up, leaving the excitement and the rush that enveloped your being just a few hours ago all scattered on the ground. And you realize, nothing special will happen today. Or tomorrow. Or ever. You’re outside of your room and yet… you’re still lonely.
So you leave the park and walk yourself home. At last, you understand… that loneliness isn’t just a room you can simply escape from.