Why Americans can’t think

Americans lack intellectual depth.

Isn’t it funny how rain makes cardboard so weak? I used to leave boxes out in the rain when I was a kid, just to watch them dissolve, piece by piece, soggy strips falling apart like unspooled intestines. Maybe this is why American thought collapses the way it does — soaked, limp, unable to hold anything substantial. They’re all wet cardboard, their brains swimming in the rain of mediocrity, never quite getting a grip on anything real.

Now, here’s where you’d expect me to dive into some structured thesis about why Americans lack intellectual depth. You’d expect a clear, linear argument, wouldn’t you? But that’s the problem. Americans love that shit. Clean and easy-to-swallow ideas, spoon-fed like mashed potatoes to an overgrown baby. And if you’re American, you’re already feeling it — that bubbling discomfort in your gut. “Not all Americans,” you want to say. Shut up. I’m talking about you.

Let’s talk about intellect — no, let’s not. It’s boring. Americans love boring. It’s the same reason they can watch…